At a Glance
by Kei-Kei
Summary: Remus Lupin's first year at Hogwarts begins. However, there is one boy he can't keep his mind off of... To the songs of Evanescence, journey with Remus from his first year to his last and beyond. SiriusxRemus, Slash Ch. 2 UP!
1. Whisper to me

Hello! I'm Kei~Kei and this is is my RemusxSirius fic. I am planning to have this fanfic span from Remus' first year at Hogwarts, all the way to Harry's fifth year and beyond. Every chapter (I hope) will have an Evanescence song to accompany it. The lengths of the chapters will depend on the song... ^^ I'm going to deffinatly bump up the rating later on. If you find any mistakes or have any suggestions, please review and tell me. I'll have the second chapter up soon, but I'm going to California for two weeks for an anime con, so it'll be a while. Anyways, onwards to the disclaimer and ficcy! Enjoy!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, though try as I might to gain custody. oO The characters are not mine, they belong to J.K. Rowling (Please don't sue me kind kind Queen...). The songs belong to Evanescence.   
  
  
  
  
It was a warm, almost sunny day that the Hogwarts owls were sent out to it's many new first year students. On the outskirts of a small, London city sat a house, it's trimmings brown and peeling, contrasting nicely with the limestone main base of the house. From the worn dirt road traveled a brick walkway to the dark, forest green front door. Sprouting from the walkway was a smaller path that led to a rock driveway, where an old red station wagon sat in front of a dark green garage. Around the house sprouted many different kinds of flowers and bushes, neatly kept under the watchful eye of the woman that lived there with her husband and son. The son sat in the single tree in the front yard, high in its branches among the tickly laid green leaves. His slightly shaggy light brown hair blew lightly in the slight breeze, his bangs brushing against his cheeks and over his long lashed closed eyes. Upon hearing a quiet meowing beneath him, the boy opened his amber eyes a crack and peered below him. There a tabby cat sat and meowed at him angrily. He closed his eyes once more and ignored the cat. His slim arms were placed behind his head, his long legs stretched out over the length of the branch that supported him. In the distance, flying towards him, was a large tawny Barn owl, a letter clasped tightly in its beak. It landed upon the boy's chest, startling him so that he nearly lost his balance. Looking at the owl with large eyes, he reached a shaking hand out to the letter. Never did he receive owls. He gave up long ago on friends, so his days were filled with lonely wanderings and daydreams. He looked at the letter, closed with a seal of red wax, the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry seal etched into it. He gasped and jumped down from the branch, upsetting the owl, which flew to another branch. He ran inside, crying to his father that he had finally gotten it; he had received an invitation to attend Hogwarts School.   
"Dad! Dad it's here! They let me in!" he cried happily, running to the kitchen. His father, a tall man with hair the color of the boy's, was sitting at the table reading the Daily Prophet. His mother, a woman with long brown hair pulled into a loose bun, was at the sink, scowling at the dishes that had been cleaning themselves.   
"Oh Remus, that's wonderful! Ah... the old Hogwarts. That's where I met your mother. Ah... such good times. I hear Dumbledore is the Headmaster now. He was always such a good teacher. No wonder he was appointed Headmaster," Remus' father noted, reminiscing on the good old days. Remus' mother, meanwhile, had left the dishes and now sat at the table with her husband. Her scowl had now been directed to Remus.   
"Let's only hope now you can finally do this family some good. Maybe you won't be a complete screw up after all." Remus flinched, his happiness slightly dented at his mother's less then enthusiastic reaction. She never really liked Remus. He and his curse had always been a burden upon the family. This time, however, he was determined to change her mind. Now that he was going to Hogwarts, everything was about to change.   
  


_Catch me, as I fall  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
_

  
Remus Lupin didn't know how true that was until the moment his parents and him entered platform 9 3/4. All around him where students of all ages, rolling their bags toward the train stationed there, owls squawking, cats meowing, and rats and frogs making other noises. The air was full of students saying their farewells to their parents. He looked around at the various people he would soon be going to school with. His eyes then fell upon a boy with long, jaw length, jet-black hair; his back turned to him. He was talking to a man and a woman, both with that same, jet black hair. They seemed to be lecturing him, their stern faces scowling. Remus' heart went out to the boy. He could tell he was used to it, but all the same, it hurt to know what he was going through. Meanwhile, Remus' own mother had been lecturing him.   
"Now... Remus, you better behave yourself! I will NOT have you disgrace our family even further than you already have! Understood? Remus? REMUS! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" she yelled. Remus looked back at his mother who began lecturing him again. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the boy he had been watching hug his parents and head toward the train. He wanted to follow him and ask him his name. He stopped his mother mid-sentence and bid his farewells. He then turned his back to them and quickly walked to the train, leaving his mother screeching behind him. He boarded the train, only to be met by compartment after compartment packed full of people. He never thought of how many people would be here before. Remus panicked, he could feel his heart quicken in his chest as he walked past the rows of people to the next compartment.   
_ You idiot! Of course there were going to be people here! he thought, walking swiftly. Oh no... what if they know? What if they find out I'm a werewolf? _This had never once occurred to him as he lay in bed, dreaming of going to Hogwarts. The school was quite large, and many people had families high up. Remus' parents had been inclined to tell the Ministry of Magic that he was a werewolf, seeing as they tried to keep tabs on as many as they could. _What if someone here had a parent in the Ministry of Magic that knew about him? What if they knew about him? _All these thoughts swam through his head as he entered compartment after compartment. Remus heard people whispering around him as he walked past. He kept his head low, his eyes directed in front of him.   
As Remus walked past a large group of people, he skirted past them, accidentally bumping his shoulder into another boy's. He could here him mumbling behind him as he continued, "Bloody wolf... didn't even say he was sodding sorry!" Remus panicked at this and began running past everyone. At last, he reached an empty compartment and slammed the door behind him, his breath coming in large gulps. He walked halfway down the aisle, stopped, and lifted his bag, shoving it into the overhead.   
Behind him, he could here his owl, Isis, hooting softly. Isis was the school owl that had delivered his Hogwarts letter to him. After much prodding, the owl still wouldn't leave his side, so he was forced to let her stay. He turned around and slumped into a seat, letting his head hit the headrest of the chair.   
  


_Speaking to the atmosphere  
No one's here and I fall into myself  
_

  
By the time Remus realized it, he was too afraid to do anything about it. He had forgotten all about the boy he had seen. He wasn't quite sure what it was about that boy, but he had almost felt a likeness in him to himself he never had seen before. It's like... it's almost like I knew he would understand me, he thought to himself as he closed his eyes. He knew what it was like to be criticized by his parents. Remus sighed and tried to relax. "No way am I going out there again," he laughed to himself. "Animals I tell you! Don't you agree Isis?" He looked over to the Barn owl and smiled. "At least I have someone who knows me. Maybe he'll show up sooner or later... I know he will! All I have to do is look on the bright side, right?" He laughed again lightly and looked up. "Maybe... maybe my luck is changing. I know it is! New school, new opportunities, right Isis? Right! I'll find that boy. I'll make friends here, I know I will!"  
Remus sighed and slumped down into his seat. "What am I thinking? What am I doing?! I'm talking to a ruddy owl! Aah... no one will be my friend once they find out my true identity. Once they know what I really am, they'll hate me. They all will." Remus grimaced and hide his face in his hands. _What was I thinking?_ he thought to himself, shaking his head. His thoughts returned to that night five years ago when he was attacked by a werewolf and bitten. He could remember how he screamed as it pounced on him, the feeling as his skin was lit on fire as the werewolf bit him. As Remus delved deeper into his mind, Isis hooted loudly and he jumped, a small cry slipping past his lips. "So... I'm not allowed to reminisce, eh? Fine fine..." He turned to look out the window, only to see passing farms and the occasional cow.   
  


_This truth drives me  
into madness  
_  


Remus sighed once again. This trip was beginning to be very lonely. Occasionally, someone would walk past, but he would keep his head down and his mouth shut until they left. They don't know what it's like to be so alone, he thought, they don't know the feeling.   
"Do you think they'll ever feel my pain? Hmmm... if only I could have one person that knows how I feel... just one and I would be happy. " He turned to Isis and slumped down into his seat, propping his feet up on the headrest of the chair in front of him. He tucked his arms behind his head, mimicking the position he was in when he first received his Hogwarts letter. Remus, in this position, soon fell asleep to the gentle rocking motion of the train and the soft breaths of Isis. Inside his mind, Remus' memories and thoughts haunted him. The truth of being alone causing his dreams to turn to nightmares. In his dream, he was all alone, sitting in the dark, the fallen ashes of silence all around him. The soft howling of wolves breached his ears, making them ring slightly. The howling grew louder and louder until Remus couldn't stand but to clamp his hands over his ears, attempting to stifle the sound. "Stop! It hurts... it hurts! Please... someone... help me!" he cried out. Only the sound of hungry lone wolfs answered his plea. I can't... I can't take it! "STOP IT! STOP STOP STOP!" he screamed, curling himself into a ball and quivering. Soon the howling subsided, and all that was left in the darkness was the ringing of Remus' ears. His eyes were wide and his body shook, his breaths coming deep and hard in gasps. I can't take it anymore.... the silence... the noise... "Leave me alone," he whispered to no one, "Leave me alone!"  
  


_I know I can stop the pain  
If I will it all away  
_

  
Remus forced his eyes to open and he sat up in his seat, his brow furrowed, sweat dotting his forehead. He looked to Isis, who had her head cocked to one side, almost as if asking him if he was all right. He shook his head and stood up, and walked to the door to the next compartment. He laid one hand flat upon the cool glass window and peered at the people inside. A tall blonde girl and another girl, shorter, where talking and laughing in two seats near the back. In front of them were about three boys, all with shocking red hair with streaks of brown; triplets. Various people were also scattered throughout the compartment, but none of them were alone.   
_ Why should I be the only one all alone?_ Remus thought, his hand clenching into a fist and his eyes closed in disgust. "Why should it only be me that has to suffer?" He growled softly, pushing his anger away. _If I could just... walk in and introduce myself, then I wouldn't be lonely. I have to have more faith in myself. They don't know I'm a werewolf. There's no chance they could find out... is there? Of course there isn't! If I don't tell anyone, if I just hide it, no one can find it, right?   
_ "Right," he breathed. "What they don't know can't hurt them." He repeated this in his head over and over, convincing himself of its truth. Remus began to pace, his feet taking him in long strides up and down the aisle of the compartment. He was nervous, seeing as he had never been a very good people person. Remus was always so afraid he would mess his words up, and end up looking stupid in front of people. Most of all, he was afraid of being laughed at. He didn't want to be the outcast any longer.   


_  
Don't turn away  
(Don't give into the pain)  
_

  
He knew what he had to do. Remus knew that he couldn't let this fear of rejection plague him any longer than he had already let it. His pacing slowly grew slower as his mind convinced him against hiding. _You can do it Remus, you know you can. They aren't going to laugh at you if you don't do anything stupid_, he thought, the more optimistic part of his reasoning taking over his brain. Who knows? he reasoned with himself, _maybe you'll find that boy_. His mouth twitched into a smile at the thought. He still couldn't tell what it was about him; all he knew is that he had to meet that boy, someway, somehow.   
"That's it!" His voice echoed in the empty passage, bouncing off the metal and back to him. He growled again and plopped down into another seat, banging his fists on the arm rests. "I'm tired of being the weak little boy that no one will play with because he's odd. I'm bloody tired of being all alone! I'm going to find that boy, and even if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make him be my friend!" Then, somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice commented. _Maybe even more than a friend_, it whispered. Remus shook his head and yelled out, "I'm not gay! Is that what you're implying?" Isis hooted at him angrily. Apparently, she had been trying to sleep, her head tucked under her wing. She gazed up at him with those large, golden eyes of hers and he sighed. I must be going ruddy insane. First I'm talking to a bloody owl, and now I'm yelling at myself. What am I doing here? I don't belong here," his voice was quiet; he made sure no one could here him from the next compartment. Inside his mind, there was a war going on. Remus couldn't decide whether or not to be brave, and try to find that black haired boy, or be his normal, quiet self and ignore his urge to go find him.   
  


_Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
_

  
You're going to have to see them eventually, Remus told himself. _Eventually they will know who you are. Why not start it early? Why not find friends now instead of waiting to see who's in your house? Haven't you always heard to try to unite the four houses at Hogwarts? Why not start now?_ Remus rubbed his temples and closed his eyes tight, trying to block out his mind from any more contradictive thoughts. He was hiding from everyone like he always did. Ever since childhood, Remus had never liked socializing. After he was bitten at age six, he lost all of his friends. One by one they discovered what he was, and he had scared them off. Every single one of them.   
Remus still remembered the exact scream his best friend had uttered as he saw Remus' body shrink, his bones pop and fur grow, covering his body. His friend's eyes went wide, and he stepped back from Remus, tripping over a rock and falling. As the wolf stepped toward him, he screamed and scrambled to his feet, screaming Remus' name as he ran. "Mommy! MOMMY! REMUS! REMUS TURNED INTO A WOLF! MOMMY!!!" Remus cringed at the horrible memory. His two other friend's reactions had been quite similar, their cries all involving the screamed bellows of his name, each syllable ringing painfully upon the night air, echoing off of garage doors so that the screaming lasted precious, antagonizing seconds longer.   


_  
Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what's behind them)  
_

  
Remus' eyes shot open. He could have sworn he had heard something. Someone... calling him. He shook his head and laughed. "No one knows me here," he said, "How could they possibly know my name?" He glanced at Isis, who was sleeping peacefully in her cage in a chair across the aisle. He quickly glanced around the compartment for a sign that anyone other than him was there. Upon seeing the compartment void of other life besides Isis and himself, Remus returned to his position. About to close his eyes once more, he stopped, pausing to think. I don't want to relive any more memories, he thought, wrinkling his nose in disgust. No matter how hard he tried, he would always have to live with his memories. "Unless," he whispered, an idea forming in his head, "There must be a potion that erases memories... there has to be!"   
Remus was instantly filled with the hope that, maybe, he wouldn't have to live with the awful memories he kept within him. However, his heart dropped as his brain began to factor in reasoning. _I can't erase my memories_, he thought, shaking his head, that would screw with everything. It... just won't work. He sighed heavily and rubbed his hands over his face, massaging his forehead and cheeks. "That's it... I'm tired of waiting," he sighed. He stood and let his long legs carry him to the door of the compartment, his hand reaching toward the doorknob in front of him.   
  


_Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep never die)  
_

  
I... I can't be afraid anymore, Remus thought, willing himself not to turn back. _I can't let my condition hold me back anymore. I... I have to accept that this is who I am, and if people don't like it, then they weren't meant to be my friends. That's it... if they can't accept me for me, then they don't deserve to be with me. But... I first have to accept myself if I ever expect other's to accept me.   
_ He gritted his teeth and finally pushed himself over the edge. He was going to do it. He turned the doorknob with a shaking hand. Behind him, he heard a door open and a voice calling him back.   
  
  


_I'm frightened by what I see  
But somehow I know  
That there's much more to come  
_

  
"You there... boy!" a sharp voice called, cutting through Remus like a knife. As he turned around, he was met with the sight of a tall, handsome boy. His long, white blonde hair shone in the light of the compartment, and his long, expensive black robes flowed around him elegantly. His piercing gray eyes were turned right at Remus, his slim lips curled into a sneer. Behind him bumbled two bulky, large boys with dark hair. They were at least twice of Remus' size, and he had to crane his neck back to look up at them.   
"Y-yes?" Remus stammered, backing himself up flat against the door. This was not how he wanted to meet people. The boy stepped forward and his evil sneer kept it's place upon his lips.   
"Well well... What do we have here? Must not be someone too important, eh Goyle? Crabbe? Just look at the state of his robes!" The two boys behind him cackled as he took another step foreword, examining Remus' robes. His family, though nice, didn't always have very much money, so his robes were slightly tattered. The worn black fabric was faded, and various patches were littered here and there over all his robes. Remus looked away from the three boys and tried not to look too hurt.   
"So... who might you be boy? I've never seen you around here. Must be a first year," his voice took on an impertinent tone when he spoke to Remus, much different than the tone he used with the boys that were behind him. _They must be his friends_, Remus thought sadly. He argued with himself whether or not to give his name to this boy. "Well, speak up!" he bellowed, his brow furrowing in an angry manner. Remus could tell he was becoming impatient with him.   
"L-Lupin. Remus Lupin," he mumbled, chancing a sparing glance at the blonde haired boy. Taking a chance, he raised his head and spoke again. A-and... who might you be?Ó" The boy's eyes narrowed to slits as he glared at Remus.  
"Who might I be?! Obviously your parents don't know much about the wizarding world. I am Lucius Draconis Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy manor. My blood is the purist around." To Remus, he appeared regal and... well... snobbish. From Lucius' comment about pure blood, he was obviously a Slytherin. His father had told him quite a few times that Slytherins were sticklers on having pure blood. They hated what they called "mudbloods": wizards with muggle blood. People like Lucius were not who Remus wanted to befriend. With his courage growing, Remus spoke again.   
"Not to be rude or anything, but, what do you want?" Lucius' sneer faded away and his glare took on an evil air to it. Remus swallowed and slouched down against the door, avoiding Lucius' eyes at all cost. He could hear the sharp taps of Lucius' high-heeled boots against the floor as he strode toward him and slapped Remus across the face. Remus' hand flew to his stinging cheek as his eyes teared up. Lucius grabbed his chin and forced Remus to look at him. He flinched as Lucius' nails dug into his skin.   
"Don't you ever talk to a Malfoy like that ever again, hear me? I am to be treated with the utmost respect and fear. Do you understand?" he growled, his nose almost touching Remus'. Remus nodded slightly and closed his eyes tight, so as not to see Lucius' face as another sneer crept it's way onto his lips.   
  


_Immobilized by my fear  
And soon to be  
Blinded by tears  
_

  
Remus' body was frozen to the spot; he was too afraid to move, lest he make Lucius angry and give him another reason to slap him. Lucius dropped his hand from Remus' chin and stepped back. Remus, now free of the other boy's grasp, fell to the floor, slumping against a chair; his body was shaking and his eyes were wide. Lucius' cackle rang in his ears as he turned back to Crabbe and Goyle, laughing at Remus. Remus hugged himself, his fists balling around the sleeves of his robe. He shut his eyes tight against the tears.   
"Malfoy, stop bothering the new first years! Didn't Professor McGonogall tell you off for that last year?" the voice that rang through the compartment was like a ray of hope for Remus. He looked up to see a boy with jaw length, jet-black hair. Next to him was another boy with messy black hair, and glasses. Once his eyes fell upon the first boy, Remus' eyes filled with happy tears and he couldn't help but smile. He had found who he was looking for.  
"How would you know, first year?!" Lucius spat, uttering the boys' year like an insult. The boy with glasses stepped forward and put his arm on the other's shoulder.   
"Well, ya see, Sirius over here has important parents. He knows things," he smirked and stuck his tongue out at Lucius. So... his name is Sirius, Remus thought, staring at the boy's grinning face. Lucius became angry at this obviously disrespectful move and crossed his arms, glaring at them.   
"I am a third year and a member of the Malfoy family," he bellowed, his voice loud and indignant. "You are to respect me!" Sirius laughed and looked at Lucius.   
"Malfoy, you're no better than I am! My blood is just as pure as yours, and my family is quite high up," he grinned even more once he saw the obviously irked Lucius. He regained his composure and laughed heartily.   
"You must be of the Black family! How dare you compare myself to you! You're a disgrace to your bloodline. You don't deserve the position.' Remus was startled at this newfound piece of information. His mother had always spoken extremely high of the Black family. She always said that they were one of the purest, most wizardly families there were. She herself had gone to school with a member of the Black family. Remus hoped that Sirius was nothing like his family, and from what Lucius had said, he wasn't. Sirius' smirk quickly faded and his face grew dark. Noticing this, the other boy grabbed his arm and whispered to him.   
"Sirius, calm down. He doesn't know. Sirius, please, let's try not to get in trouble our first day of Hogwarts on the train, okay?" Sirius shook his head.   
"James... I can't just forget it! He insulted me. That bender's gonna die," he growled, shaking James' arm off. Remus watched, horrorstruck, as Sirius lunged at Lucius.   
  


_I can stop the pain  
If I will it all away  
_

  
In an instant, Crabbe and Goyle had stepped in front of Lucius, and Sirius was on the floor. Lucius' lips were turned down into a scowl. Wiping blood from the side of his mouth, Sirius stood up and lunged at Lucius again.   
"First you go picking on a helpless bloke, then you go insultin' my family! You don't fuckin' do that you prat!" Sirius cried, his eyes large and angry. Remus flinched as Sirius hit the floor again. Against all the voices shouting in his head to stop, Remus stood up and balled his hands into fists.   
"Stop it! Stop hitting him!' he cried as Sirius was hit again. James, meanwhile, had taken hold of Goyle's arm in an attempt to hold him back. Goyle shrugged him off, throwing him back into a chair.   
"You ponce! You can't even fight for yourself! You just have your cronies do all your dirty work for you!" Sirius snarled and Lucius grinned, holding up one slim, pale hand.   
"Well, I don't like to get my hands dirty... especially with the blood of the likes of you, brat," Lucius spat. Sirius glared at him. Remus' eyes shot from one to the other. He couldn't tell is he should interfere or not, and he didn't know what to do if he did.   
  


_Fallen Angels at my feet  
Whispered voices at my ear  
_

  
Sirius was hit again, and he rolled down the length of the aisle, stopped at Remus' feet. He looked down into his face as he moaned in pain, clutching his side. His chest tightened, his heart in pain. He knelt and helped Sirius to sit, leaning him against the chairs. I... I have to go beat that priss up... lemme go," he groaned, attempting to stand. Remus placed his hand on Sirius' cheek and shushed him.  
"Just sit here and rest, please. I don't want you getting hurt on my behalf any longer," he whispered. Sirius nodded and Remus stood, facing Lucius with his wand out. He was determined to pay him back for hurting Sirius. He wanted Sirius to be his friend, and if he was dead, that wasn't very possible. Just then, someone's breath tickled at his ear.   
"Don't... they'll beat you up and you'll get in trouble," James whispered to him, his hand around Remus' wrist. He lowered his wand and looked back at him. James shook his head and Remus turned away, glaring at Lucius.  
"So... it looks like you've admitted defeat. Well, now that you know who's superior, I guess out time here is done... for now. Crabbe, Goyle, let's go," Lucius said. The three of them turned and walked out of the compartment, leaving Remus, Sirius, and James all alone again.  
"Damnit!" Sirius exclaimed, pounding his fist on the floor. "I wanted to get that poof so bad too!" James knelt down and helped Sirius into a chair. Once he was safely sitting, James turned to Remus.   
"I'm so sorry to have troubled you-Ó he began. Remus shook his head and held up a hand, stopping him from continuing.   
"If it weren't for you two, I don't know what Lucius would have done to me," he said quietly. I should thank you. I appreciate what you did for me." Sirius grinned and tilted his head to look at him. He winked at Remus, causing him to blush.  
"Aah, no worries mate. I'm Sirius Black, as you probably already know. My partner in crime over here is James Potter. Now, who might you be?" Sirius said, pointing in James' direction as he said his name. Remus stammered, speechless at his luck. Not only had he found Sirius, Sirius had saved him from Lucius, and now he was asking for his name. _He... he even winked at me_, he thought happily.   
"I'm... Remus Lupin. It's... nice to meet you two," he said breathlessly. Sirius and James both smiled and greeted him. At that moment, for the first time in his life since he was six, Remus felt genuinely accepted.   
  


_Death before my eyes  
Lying next to me I fear_  


  
Sirius flinched and wiped his hand over the back of his head. When he brought his hand back in front of him, it was covered in a red, sticky liquid; blood. In front of his eyes, Remus relived another moment from his past. He remembered running, running away from the wolf as fast and hard as he could. However, the wolf was too fast and quickly pinned him to the ground, snarling, teeth bared. He threw his hands over his face; hoping and praying the wolf would go. He cried out in pain as the wolf sank its teeth into his forearm and ran. Remus clutched his arm in pain. Bringing his hand in front of his face, he screamed; it was soaked in his blood.   
"Remus... ummm... Remus?" James waved his hand in front of Remus' eyes and he blinked. Apparently, he had been staring off into space, and hadn't answered any questions he had been asked.   
"Yes?" he stammered, snapping back to reality.   
"We're here. We've reached Hogwarts."   
After Remus had gathered his luggage and the forgotten Isis' cage, he walked out onto the platform with Sirius and James. They heard a bellowing voice ring out over the noise of all the students.   
"Firs' years! Firs' years o'er here!" a large man cried. He was at least twice as high and three times as wide as any normal man, and his face was partially covered in a large, bushy brown beard. The three of them gathered around the large men, along with many other first years. Some of them looked scared, and shied away from others. "I'm Hagrid and I'm th' gamekeeper 'ere at Hogwarts. Follow me an' we'll be on our way," he bellowed, leading them to a large lake on the grounds. There, waiting for them, were small boats. "Five to a boat! Hurry up now, c'mon! We dun wanna be late, now do we?"   
James, Sirius, and Remus scrambled to a boat. With them sat two girls, one with long, dark red hair, the other with soft blonde hair. The red head smiled at them, while the blonde just kind of scowled. As they drifted on the boat, they passed around a bend and Hogwarts came into view. Everyone looked up in aw at the large, majestic castle, with its high towers, and it's endless glowing windows. Remus was mesmerized. This is my new home, he thought. I can't wait until we get inside. It wasn't long until the boats bumped onto shore and they all scrambled to land. They followed Hagrid up the long way to the large, oak front doors and stopped. Hagrid pushed the doors open, and they were met with a tall woman, her black hair pulled back into a tight bun. Her face was regal, and she looked at them over gold-rimmed spectacles. She raised one pencil thin eyebrow and smiled a tight-lipped smile.  
  


_She beckons me  
Shall I give in  
Upon my end shall I begin_  


  
  
"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Follow me please," she said curtly. They obeyed as she led them to a hallway with a door at the end. "Now, line up in a straight line to be sorted," she ordered. They did such and, once they had done so, she opened the door and led them onto a stage. To their right they could see all the students of Hogwarts, sorted into four tables. On the far left, hanging over the first table, was a large red and gold banner with a lion on it; Gryffindor. Over the next table was a blue and bronze banner with a raven on it; Ravenclaw. Above the next table was a banner with a serpent on it, its colors green and silver; Slytherin. Then, above the last table, was a banner with a badger on it, the colors yellow and black; Hufflepuff.   
Everyone was looking up at them expectantly. The first years lined up in front of the staff's table and looked out over the Great Hall. The ceiling reflected the night sky, a cloudless night showing all the sparkling stars. Dumbledore rose and the Great Hall grew quiet. Professor McGonagall walked in front of them, carrying a three-legged stool and an old hat. She set the stool down and placed the hat on top of it. McGonagall took her place at the end of the line and everyone grew silent, looking toward the hat. Near the top, a frayed rip opened like a mouth and the hat began to sing. Remus hardly paid attention to its words, instead trying not to shake too badly. However, one part caught his attention:  
  
_Gryffindor took the brave of heart  
their chivalry, nerve and daring,  
here were set apart.  
Next, Ravenclaw,  
all those of wit and learning,  
here cleverness  
made them quite deserving.  
Now Hufflepuff,  
with hers there was a must  
to have with them with  
just, loyalty and trust.  
Now we come to Slytherin,  
whose standards were quite high,  
only those with purest blood,  
with cunning he could teach by.  
_  
Remus' mind raced as he tried to think of which house he should belong. He didn't have nerve, and he wasn't daring, so Gryffindor was out. With Ravenclaw, he wasn't very witty, but could learn, so maybe that was his house. But... he wasn't very clever. He was loyal, and he had trust, so maybe it was to Hufflepuff he belonged. He didn't even include Slytherin in his thoughts. He knew he didn't belong there, so he didn't even bother to think of that as his house. Remus looked up and realized that the singing had stopped, and Professor McGonagall had pulled out a piece of parchment and called out a name.   
  
  


_Forsaking all I've fallen for  
I rise to meet my end  
_

  
  
"Adams, Daniel," she called. A small, shaking boy stepped forward and picked up the hat, sitting on the stool and jamming it on his head. Within seconds, the hat opened its "mouth" and cried out,  
"HUFFLEPUFF!" The boy scrambled off the stool and set the hat down, then scurried hurriedly to his cheering table. It went on like this for a couple of people, until Remus heard her call out Sirius' name. Sirius walked forward, and gently placed the hat upon his head. There was silence for a minute, until the hat yelled out,  
"GRYFFINDOR!" Sirius jumped off the stool as he took off the Sorting Hat and walked cooly to the Gryffindor table. Two girls were then sorted into Ravenclaw. Now it was Remus' turn. His hands were shaking as he picked the hat up by the rim and placed it tentatively on his head. His mind was racing, and he prayed not to be put in any house other than Gryffindor. The moment the hat touched his head, he could hear a voice in his head. _Hmmmm..._ it said, _as if thinking. Where shall you go... You are quite fit to be in Ravenclaw. Shall I place you there?_ it asked him. Remus' mind shouted.   
_N-no! Please... I want to be with Sirius!_ he cried. _Please... if I'm sorted into Ravenclaw, I'll be all alone. Please don't make me be in Ravenclaw, _he pleaded. The hat was silent for another moment.  
_If that is what you wish_, it said, then it is decided. "GRYFFINDOR!" Remus smiled and sighed in relief as he slipped the hat off and practically ran to his house table. He could hear them cheering, and he smiled even more as he took his seat next to Sirius, who patted him on the back. They watched as another three people were sorted. Then, Sirius nudged him and he watched as James stood and went to the stool. The hat was on his head no more than three seconds when it cried out: "GRYFFINDOR!" He felt Sirius let out a breath and Remus cheered with his table as James sat on he other side of Sirius. There was only one more person left; a tall, lanky boy with long, greasy black hair that fell to his shoulders. He sat there for what seemed like the longest time, until the hat cried, "SLYTHERIN!" and he hurried to his table.  
At the head of the table, a man with a long white beard and a tall wizards hat stood. He raised his hands in welcome. "Welcome all new Hogwarts students! Now, I think it's about time we eat. You may begin!" Remus looked down and food had appeared all along the table; potatoes, chicken, peas, carrots, fried beans, and even desert. Remus ate quietly, listening to the energetic conversations around him of the upcoming Quidditch season and what this year had in store for them. Eventually, everyone had finished eating and the food had disappeared. Dumbledore stood again and the Great Hall grew silent.  
"Now, there are some announcements to be made. As most of you upperclassmen already know, the Forbidden forest is exactly that; forbidden! Mr. Filch our caretaker, has also reminded me to tell you that magic between classes in the corridors is strictly off limits. And, last but not least, Quidditch trials will be held the second week of the term. Contact Madam Hooch if you wish to play for your house team. And now, before we leave to go to bed, let us sing the school song!" Dumbledore took out his wand and posed it in midair. "Now, everyone choose their favorite tune and, begin!" He flicked his wand and everyone began to sing:   
  
_"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,  
Teach us something please,  
Whether we be old and bald,  
Or young with scabby knees,  
Our heads could do with filling  
With some interesting stuff,  
For now they're bare and full of air,  
Dead flies and bits of fluff,  
So teach us things worth of knowing,  
Bring back what we've forgot,  
Just do your best, we'll do the rest,  
And learn until our brains all rot."  
_  
Remus watched, amused, as every student finished, all at different times. After that, all the tables were dismissed. "First years, please follow me!" a tall, blonde haired boy called. Upon his robed he wore a shinning badge with a large P on it. Beside him, Sirius stood and muttered,  
"Prefects..." and followed him. They followed the Prefect up flight after flight of stairs, until they reached a large portrait of a woman in a pink dress.   
"Password?" she asked.   
"Zimbly's battering footballs," he said, and the portrait swung open to reveal a large room with a blazing fireplace. Around the fireplace were set large, cushiony chairs. Also scattered around the room were tables for doing homework and such. "All right. Right up the stairs on the right is the first year's boys' room. On the right is the girls'. Now, off to bed," he said. Then he disappeared up a hallway and they headed up to their rooms. Remus was the first to reach the room. Four four-poster beds were lined against the two walls. From behind him, Sirius ran and jumped into the first one on the left side, where his suitcase was at the foot of the bed. On the next bed after that, Remus spotted his suitcase at the foot of the bed and smiled, thanking whoever was up there at his luck. The other two beds on the other side of the room were then occupied by James and another boy.   
The other boy was slightly pudgy and had light light-blond hair cut in a bowl cut. He smiled and introduced himself. "My name is Peter. Peter Pettigrew!" he squeaked. The three of them greeted him and told them their names. Remus silently slipped into his pajamas and slipped between his sheets, smiling as the others did the same. I knew my luck would change, he thought blissfully as he watched Sirius pull the covers over his slim body, tucking his hair behind his ears and resting his head on his pillow. _And now that I've made friends with Sirius, everything will be better. I know it will._ His last thoughts were of tomorrow as he closed his eyes and slept.  
  
__________________  
  
Yes, yes, me again. I'd just like to give great thanks to my beta-er, muse, and friend, KenKen! She helped me come up with the ideas and such for this, and edited it for me and helped me with allthe info and such. Sankyu so much KenKen! Go check out her works at Akikoyuy! Thank you again and please review!


	2. Bring me to Life, my Darling

  
Author's Note: Alright. This... I'm horridly displeased with. I hate it. It's bad. x_x But, whatever. Sorry for taking so long. ^^' I've been busy with school and my Girlfriend and such. Hopfully I'll get the next one up soon. Thank you for reading!  
  
Disclaimer: This is NOT MY BOOK! Please don't sue me J.K. Rowling miss. x_x Jaaaa.  
  
Please review nicely! Sankyuuuuuu~   
  
  
  
  
_How can you see into my eyes,  
like open doors  
  
  
_ Remus! Hey! Remus! Wake up! Remus could hear Sirius' voice ringing through his head as his eyes cracked open, only to be met by the morning sunlight. Quickly he shut his eyes tight and pulled the covers over his head. Sirius, who had been next to the bed, grabbed the covers and yanked them off, revealing Remus in boxers and a faded grey shirt two sizes too big for him. Wake UP sleeping beauty! James and Peter already went down to breakfast. Get your arse up or we won't get a thing to eat today! A groan escaped from Remus' lips as he slowly sat up. Sirius grabbed his hand and dragged him ungracefully out of bed.   
he groaned again. Sirius... not now... later. Sirius left him leaning against the bed post as he rummaged through his chest. Remus caught the onslaught of robes that Sirius threw at him just in time to be pushed to the bathroom.   
Hurry up and don't make me come in there and dress you myself, got it?! Sirius' voice was rough from hunger as he paced outside the bathroom door. Meanwhile, Remus quickly changed into his robes. He grinned at Sirius' comment and thought to himself,  
_That wouldn't be half bad... _Once he realized the extent of what he said, he froze. _What am I... do you think I... I'm... no. I couldn't be. I simply admire Sirius as a friend and rescuer. That's all it is. _He shook his head and opened the bathroom door and was quickly grabbed by Sirius and dragged down the stairs. I get it I get it! he cried as he snapped his wrist away from Sirius' grasp. Together they quickly ran to the Great Hall, where breakfast was half over with. Spotting James and Peter, they plopped down on a bench at the Gryffindor table and scooped food onto their plates.   
What took you guys so long? James asked, his mouth half full of eggs. Sirius, whose mouth was much too full to talk, jabbed his thumb in Remus' direction, who was eating calmly. He smiled sheepishly and glanced over at Sirius, who was still stuffing his face and attempting to joke around with James. _  
_ Hey, James, what's our first class? Peter piped up. James whipped a piece of parchment from his pocket and he cringed.   
Our morning is pretty much Transfiguration, then double potions with the Slytherins, at this, Peter, James, and Sirius all cringed, and then we have lunch, followed by charms and herbology. Sirius finally put down his fork and knife and leaned back, his arms behind his head.   
Our first day of classes and already we're paired in double potions with the Slytherins! Ugh! Remus lowered his eyes to his plate. He had always knows that Slytherins weren't the nicest of people, seeing as his own mother was one.  
But Sirius... haven't all your family members been Slytherins? Peter pointed out. James and Sirius fell quiet and glared at Peter. Remus then brought to mind the image of the two people he had seen with Sirius right before he got on the train. He looked at Sirius and commented, breaking the silence.  
My mother was a Slytherin. Sirius glanced at Remus, locking eyes, and smiled at him.   
So you know how it is to have a Slytherin in the family too, eh? Bloody purebreds if ya ask me, he finished quietly. The four friends then ate the rest of their meal in silence.   
  
  
_ Leading you down into my core  
where I've become so numb  
  
  
_Transfiguration went on without a hitch until, at the end of class when everyone was packing up to hurry to double potions, Professor McGonagall called Remus to stay behind. James, Sirius, and Peter hesitated before Remus told them to go on. His hands shook slightly as he sat in front of McGonagall's desk, waiting for her to speak.   
Mister Lupin... I believe you have no idea of why I have kept you, is that right? she spoke. Remus nodded and looked at the floor. Well, Professor Dumbledore has informed me that you are a Werewolf. At this point Remus' head snapped up and he gasped.   
How... why... he stuttered. McGonagall held her hand up to silence him, and she continued.  
Don't worry. Only Dumbledore and I know of your... er... condition. Because we wish to open Hogwart's doors to all those who are willing and have talent, we wanted to accommodate ourselves to your needs. Thusly, for the safety of all, we have planted the Whomping Willow. There is a knob on the trunk of the tree that stops the swinging arms and opens a door that leads to the abandoned Shrieking Shack at Hogsmead. Every month on the full moon you shall travel there and be locked up until morning. Is that understood? she finished with a breath, looking Remus in the eye. He nodded again, understanding that that was the only way he could stay at Hogwarts. Also... I wish not of your friends to know of this, in case it gets around. If the students were to find out about your condition, the parents would begin to complain. Don't worry though... Professor Dumbledore and I are fully willing to do whatever it takes to keep this quiet. You may leave now.   
Once she finished, Remus stood and grabbed his bag, hurrying to double potions. He ran down many flights of stairs to reach the dungeon classroom potions was held in. He skidded to a stop in front of a large oak door and caught his breath. Remus attempted to open the door, but was quickly cut off by the sound of the door scraping open. There before him stood a large, burly man in dark green robes. He had a small beard that ended in a point on his chin. His hair was a jet black, with streaks of grey to show his old age.  
he growled. Late on the first day. How crude! 10 points from Gryffindor, double homework, and I would like a 2 foot essay on the ethics of being on time, on my desk tomorrow afternoon. Now, get in and sit down, he snarled. Remus, unable to protest, bowed his head and walked in quietly. The only empty stool was next to a boy with shoulder length, jet black, greasy hair. He slid noiselessly onto his stool and looked as the Professor paced in front of the class.   
As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, he pointedly looked at Remus, who cast his eyes to the floor, his cheeks crimson, I am Professor Ballpoof. In my classroom there will be no talking unless it is for an assignment or to ask a question, at which you must raise your hand and wait for me to call on you. Any other such activities that I have not assigned you to do will be punished by work and/or detention with points deducted from your house. Am I clear? The entire class nodded and he grinned. That day in class Professor Ballpoof assigned a 10 inch essay on the potion they had been working on, and why it was extremely important not to mix the taproot in with the dragon's scales. Remus heard Sirius groan from the front of the room. Ballpoof glared at him and took another 10 points from Gryffindor. After class Remus was quick to catch up with James, Sirius, and Peter.   
Where were you that made you late for class? Man that poof is such a tight ass! What was he thinking, taking away twenty points from Gryffindor and giving you that essay? Come on, it was only the first day! Sirius griped. James put his hand on Sirius' shoulder, telling him to calm down. Then, turning to Remus, he asked what had kept him in McGonagall's office. Remus, remembering her words to keep it silent, just shook his head and smiled.   
She just wanted to uh... discuss some things with me... about some work she wanted me to do during the year. His smile didn't wither as he waited for their reply. Seeming to buy into the lie, they gave them their luck and continued talking about Professor Ballpoof. Remus remained quiet in the bashing of their Professor.   
_So, what? I'm reduced to lying to my friends now? That's great... that's just bloody perfect. I've known them for two days and already I'm having to lie to them, _Remus thought, silently scolding himself at his two faced personality now developing. _Why am I becoming like this? Why am I so numb inside? It hurts... I want Sirius to know who I really am. I want him to like me for me, not for the mask I wear. _Remus was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice as they reached the Great Hall. They four of them were late, so people stared as they crossed the Hall to their seats. The Gryffindor table (and every other table for that matter) were talking a tad louder and quicker than normal. James turned to one of the Prefects as he sat down and asked him what was going on.   
the Prefect began, it seems last night Dumbledore imported a Whomping Willow to the school and planted it out in front of the castle. He hasn't even given an explanation as to why he did it either. Remus' eyes went wide and he turned his eyes to his plate, eating quietly.   
_W-what if they find out? _he panicked._ What if they know it was because of me it was planted?! _ It was at that point that a seventh year piped up.   
I bet it's because of security. I bet Dumbledore wanted to make sure that no one that wasn't supposed to could get into Hogwarts grounds, he said surely. Remus looked up and smiled, openly agreeing with the seventh year.   
_Maybe things won't be as bad as I thought they would... _  
  
_  
Without a soul  
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
  
  
_That night, Remus had a dream. He wandered through a pitch black darkness, calling out for anyone who might be there to guide him. He walked for what seemed an eternity until he couldn't walk any longer and fell to the floor. Raising his knees to his chest, he hugged them tightly against him. _Where am I? _he cried inside his mind,_ Where am I supposed to go? _He tilted his head up, looking into even deeper darkness, his lids heavy.   
Tell me who to follow, he whispered. As if answering his plea, Remus saw a glow in the distance. He quickly stood and began to run toward the light as it got nearer and nearer. Soon he stood face to face with Sirius, who held his hand out to him. The moment Remus took it he was pulled into Sirius arms in a warm embrace. As he hugged him, Sirius whispered into Remus' ear.   
Don't worry, he said, his voice soothing. I love you and I'll never leave. Remus' eyes filled with tears as his fists grabbed onto Sirius' shirt and he buried his face into his chest.   
How can you love me?! he yelled. I'm a werewolf! You can't love me now! There was a pause, and the embrace in which Remus was in loosened. Finally, he could feel Sirius' arms slowly fall from around him, coming to rest at the other boy's sides.   
You're right, he whispered hoarsely. I can't love you now that I know. You're an animal. You deserve to live and die like the filth you are. At that, Sirius' body disappeared and Remus was thrown into a wall, shots ringing all around him, breaking the silence. Past his lips a scream let loose, echoing in the ensuing stillness. His eyes shot open and he sat up, his shirt slightly soggy from sweat. He could see the slowly growing moon outside the window and sighed heavily. Grabbing a dark blue terry cloth night robe hanging from the post of his bed, he pulled it around him and slipped down the stairs to the common room. There was no way he would be able to sleep now. He decided he should probably finish up the essay he had to do for Professor Ballpoof he was assigned for punishment.   
After he had finished up the 8 inches he had left to do, he stretched and laid his head on his crossed arms on the table. Remus heard the stairs squeak and looked up. There Sirius stood at the foot of the stairs, his arm stretched over his head, his other hand over his mouth as he yawned. Remus' face turned crimson at what he was wearing. Sirius had nothing but boxers on, little broomsticks flying all around on the smooth cloth. Remus watched, transfixed, as one broomstick chased another around the length of his shorts.   
Sirius scratched his head, ruffling his already messed hair. He walked up behind Remus and leaned over his shoulder, peering at the essay that he had been writing. Remus tried desperately to hide his beet red face from Sirius as he read a few lines off the parchment.   
Mmm... good work Remus! Never heard such well-written bullshit in my life! He patted Remus' back and pulled a chair to the table he was sitting at and sat next to him. He propped his elbow on the table and rested his head on his palm and glanced at Remus. I heard you get up a bit earlier. What's up? Remus thought for a bit and answered quietly.   
It was just a nightmare. Nothing major. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, he said, playing down his waking nightmare. Sirius cocked a smile and looked up at Remus as he laid his head down as Remus had a minute ago.  
Don't talk like that. I'm your friend. So, what was it about? Had to be bad enough to not let you sleep afterwards. Sirius took up an unused quill and twirled it in his fingers. Remus just shook his head.   
Oh... it was just a silly thing where I was running away from- he started. He was cut off by Sirius, who was glaring at the quill in his hand.   
Remus... don't lie. What did you dream of? Sirius' voice was stern, and Remus could tell that he meant for him to tell him. Remembering the dream, he thought to himself,  
_I shouldn't get too close to anyone. What if they were to find out? I just... can't. _Remus shook his head and stood. I'm sorry Sirius, but I really can't discuss it. I should probably try to sleep some before classes in the morning. Goodnight Sirius, he said, standing and gathering his parchment and quills. Sirius smirked and leaned back in his chair.  
Aah.. I understand. Well, I should try to sleep again too. Try not to sleep too late tomorrow, okay? I usually prefer to not inhale my breakfast. Remus had reached the stairs by the time Sirius shot a last minute comment at him that made him blush again. And that robe looks great on you. Once up in his bed, he contemplated what he should do. The nightmare still left him unable to sleep, however, which gave him plenty of time to think.   
_Well... let's face the facts. I like Sirius. I blush around him constantly. But... whatever it is I can't think about it now. What I should be worried about is anyone finding out about me. I don't want to go back home... I can't face my mother now. I'm surprised I haven't heard from her... Oh well... I hope everything works. In fact, I'm sure it will,_ Remus thought, trying to be optimistic. The rest of the night he spent in thought, trying to figure out what to do. That morning he awoke before any of the others. He showered and dressed, then headed to the Great Hall for breakfast, not bothering to wait for his friends. As he passed a group of Slytherins, he heard someone shout behind him.   
Aah... I remember you, a cool voice said from behind him as a slim, pale hand grabbed his shoulder. He turned around, only to face Lucius. His lips were turned up into that sniveling smirk he wore so well, and his long white-blonde hair was pulled back in a low loose ponytail. Behind him as always stood Crabbe and Goyle. Remus swallowed hard and backed up. Lucius' grip on his shoulder tightened as he pushed Remus slowly against the wall, his other hand coming to rest beside Remus' head upon the wall.   
This time your little Black friend isn't here to save you. He won't be up for... oh... another half an hour or so by my calculations. So... don't you have something to say to me? Remus just shrugged and Lucius snarled. An apology for the events on the train to Hogwarts! he growled. A Malfoy is not to be disrespected in any way, and the way you treated me on the train was not acceptable. Now, apologize to me now! His brow was furrowed in anger and his free hand clenched into a fist.   
Why should I apologize to you? People deserve respect, and you certainly haven't earned mine, he replied bravely. He knew he would make Lucius mad, but he didn't care. Lucius deserved to be told off. As soon as Remus spoke, Lucius' eyes went dark and he grabbed Remus' throat. Through gritted teeth he snarled his demand.  
Apologize to me this instant you brat or else I'll kill you right here and now. Remus gasped for breath as Lucius' hands grew tight around his neck. Somehow, he managed to utter the words Lucius was searching for.  
I-I'm sor-ry... Lucius' lips slowly turned up and he grinned in triumph, releasing Remus from his hold and watching with a grin as he dropped to the floor, gasping. His cloak billowed behind him as he turned sharply on his heel and walked away from Remus, laughing. Remus' hand was clutched protectively around his throat as his face slowly faded back to it's original color.   
_Oh God... it's only the third day of school. What's the rest of the year going to be like then? _he thought as he buried his face in his hands. Ohh... what's going to happen to me? I already have a third year hating my guts, he whispered to himself. Sighing, he stood and again headed to the Great Hall to eat and wait for his friends.   
A half an hour later, everyone had gathered in the Great Hall. The four friends were eating when the Owls began to flood into the Hall. Remus, not expecting any mail, continued eating. However, a small snowy owl landed next to his plate, holding a large, red envelope. Remus paid no attention to the owl, thinking it was for someone else.   
Peter squeaked, Remus... it's a howler! At this point he began to think it was his.   
You'd better open that Rem... before it explodes, Sirius added. With a shaking hand, Remus grabbed the howler and opened it. It flew into the air and started shouting in his mother's voice.  
HOW DARE YOU GET SORTED INTO GRYFFINDOR?! YOU LITTLE BRAT! YOU'VE ALREADY BROUGHT ENOUGH SHAME TO THIS FAMILY AND NOW YOU GO AND GET SORTED INTO A PANSY HOUSE LIKE GRYFFINDOR! At this part everyone at the table glared at the letter and he could here the Slytherins at another table sniggering and agreeing. Through his mother's voice he could hear his father, trying to stop her from yelling. Dear... please don't do this... dear! HOW DARE YOU REMUS LUPIN! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THIS FAMILY AS WE KNOW IT! I HEREBY DISOWN YOU! NEVER RETURN TO MY HOUSEHOLD EVER AGAIN! She doesn't mean it son... she'll cool off... LIKE HELL I WILL! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I WISH I HAD NEVER HAD YOU YOU LITTLE INGRATE! Once finished, the howler burst into flames and disappeared. Remus was left in shock at what all his mother had said. The entire great Hall was completely silent as he slowly stood up and walked out of the great wooden oak doors to the halls. He walked through several corridors before finally breaking down and crying as he slid down a wall, falling to the floor.   
_  
_The week following that Remus refused to talk to anyone, and only spoke when he had to when teachers called upon him. Often he would stay up late into the night, scribbling out his homework on parchment. Often his assignments and essays would be double the amount the teachers asked of them. Remus had just been throwing himself into his work, preferring the gentle sound of the scratching quill to the sound of another human's voice. His friends had been giving him his room, as they knew they should. At the beginning of the second week of his silence, something happened. He, Sirius, James, and Peter were walking to lunch when they saw a circle of Slytherins. As they passed by, they could see someone within the circle, pushed against the wall. Remus instantly recognized him from their first double potions class: the greasy haired Slytherin.   
Instantly, Remus' heart went out to the boy. He didn't know for what his fellow Slytherins were teasing him for, but whatever it was, he didn't think the boy deserved the treatment he was receiving. So, for the first time in over a week, he spoke to his friends. I think we should help him, he said quietly. James and Sirius stopped in their tracks and turned to face him, disbelief on their faces.   
He's a Slytherin, Sirius said in disgust.   
Yes, but he's being teased... I don't think that's right, Remus replied. Sirius sighed and whispered something to James. James nodded and the two of them walked back to the gaggle of Slytherins.   
I don't think it very wise to treat a fellow house member like that, James said loudly. The Slytherins took one look at James and Sirius and shrugged.   
We've had our fun with him... Do what you wish to him, one of them said. They then left, not feeling up for a fight. Against the wall, the boy was wiping his bloody nose with the sleeve of his worn robe. When Sirius extended a hand to help him up, the boy just snarled and stood on his own, glaring at them and quickly walking away. Sirius then turned to Remus and said,  
Well, are you happy now? He didn't seem to want our help. Who was that bloke anywise? Remus watched as the boy slowly disappeared down another corridor.   
Severus Snape, Peter chimed in. Sirius just sniffed and turned his back on the direction Severus had gone.  
Bloody ungrateful if you ask me... he mumbled. James grinned and patted him on the back.  
Oh well... he's a Slytherin, it's to be expected. Sirius laughed and agreed, and Remus watched as they began to walk, chatting and joking with each other. Wistfully, Remus glanced behind him, then began to follow his friends, quiet once more.   
  
_  
Until you find it there and bring it back home  
  
  
_Three nights passed without anything happening. On the fourth night, Remus was awakened from a very... unusual dream. In it, he and Sirius had been doing things normally reserved only for married men and women to do together. Remus' breath came hard and he sat up, his face a cherry red. He then looked over to Sirius' bed. He had failed to close the curtains last night, so Remus was left to stare at his friend's face, his black shaggy hair falling in gentle wisps around his face. Remus' mind was again filled with the images of his dream and shook his head.   
_No, no, no, no, no... I can't be thinking that... with Sirius?! I mean, yes, he's beautiful but... I don't like him like that! Do I? _he argued in his head. From the back of his mind came a voice, denying his hopes. _You have noticed how you look at him, right? _it argued._ You love how it feels when he pays attention to you and the way his eyes look at you... _Remus grabbed his head and shook it furiously. He then looked up and saw through the window the almost-full moon.   
That's why, he whispered, so low not even he could hear it, That's why I can never love Sirius...   
That morning he went to Professor McGonagall's office. That night was the night of the full moon. Aah yes... Mister Lupin. I was expecting you today, she said, inviting him to sit down. He did so and she continued, I would like to know about when you begin to feel the changes to wolf so that I know when to take you from class. He felt slightly odd about telling someone about his changing, but he did so anyway.  
After lunch is when I begin to feel it... but I don't completely change until the moon is fully out and visible. She nodded and dismissed him, telling him to return to her office right after he had eaten. At lunch, he had to tell his friends that he was going to be gone until that next morning.  
I have to um... do something for the school. They asked me to help the caretaker. His friends seemed to buy it, all but Sirius. Sirius' looked at him as he was explaining, knowing that it wasn't even near the truth. He was silent as Remus bid his farewells, hurrying quickly to McGonagall's office. As he walked quietly behind his teacher, all of Remus' thought were turned to Sirius.   
_Why didn't he say something? _he thought._ He knew I was lying... he always knows when I'm lying. _Remus sighed and watched in bland interest as Professor McGonagall picked up a large stick and with it pressed a knob on the tree trunk. The swinging branches stopped moving and she took his hand, leading him to the base of the trunk. She pushed open a small door.  
If you continue to walk down, eventually you'll reach a trap door on the ceiling. Push that open and you'll be in the shrieking shack in Hogsmead. Good luck and I will be waiting here in the morning to take you back to Hogwarts. He then scrambled into the passage and heard McGonagall close the door behind him. Walking down the passage, he reached an end and found the trap door McGonagall had told him about. Hoisting himself out of the tunnel, he found himself in an old house, dust covering every inch of it. He made his way to a dust-covered chair and sat, waiting for the change. That night, the keeper of the Shrieking Shack heard the sounds of a wolf from the house, howling out of loneliness...  
Remus awoke to the house in shambles around him. Vases were shattered on the floor, the couch and chairs ripped apart. The wooded floor had deep scratches in it and even Remus' own skin was torn. Blood covered his hands from the shattered glass vases, and his feet ached with scratches and cuts. His voice was hoarse, and his body ached. Apparently, the wolf in Remus had not liked his new surroundings. After finding his robes which he discarded before the night became full, he went to meet Professor McGonagall. From there he was taken back to her office.  
You may be wondering why I am not taking you to Madam Pomfrey to heal your wounds. The less people that know about this the better. So, for now, I'm afraid we'll have to take the muggle way to heal wounds and just wrap them. she said, holding up a roll of bandage. She wrapped his hands and feet, and then his torso. Apparently, when he was a wolf, he had scratched himself, trying to get away. This hadn't always happened when he turned. The new atmosphere made him uneasy and he didn't like it. Once they were done, he went to the Gryffindor tower to change into new robes. He assumed everyone was in the Great Hall, eating breakfast, so he took his robe off in the common room, walking up the stairs to the room in only an old t-shirt and boxers. He rummaged through his chest at the foot of his bed, finally pulling out another set of robes.  
About time, a voice commented behind him, I've been waiting for you to get back. Remus, startled, whipped around to face Sirius. He let out a breath as he sat on his bed, tugging the robes over his head. We need to talk, he continued.   
Remus replied, standing to let his robes fall around him. His heart sped up ever so slightly at Sirius' voice, but he ignored it as he sat back down again.   
You've been really quiet these past two weeks, ever since your mother sent you that howler, he pointed out, sitting next to Remus on the bed. This was the last thing that Remus needed at the moment. His sides ached from the night before, and his feet tingled in his shoes. Sirius continued, seeming not to notice his discomfort, I know you aren't that close to Peter or James, but I hope that you feel pretty close to me. Just because James and I have been friends for a long time before Hogwarts doesn't mean anything, okay? Remus was barely hearing a thing Sirius said. His vision was beginning to go a bit fuzzy and his head ached horribly. If you have any worries about your mom, I know how you feel. I mean, my entire fucking family are Slytherins... they've disowned me now that I've been sorted into Gryffindor. And if it's that Snape kid is the one that's bothering you, don't mind him. He's just a poof. Anything else that's bothering you, please tell me, okay? I mean, what are friends for, right? Remus? Remus turned to Sirius and nodded. His eyes then closed as he fainted, falling against Sirius' chest in exhaustion.   
  
_  
Wake me up  
Wake me up inside  
  
_When do you think he'll wake up?  
  
You've been asking me that for three days straight now! Mister Black, I have no clue when he's going to wake up. Now keep your voice down! I do have other patients who are trying to sleep.  
  
The voices sounded vaguely familiar to him, and Remus searched his mind in hopes to remember. His eyes fluttered open and he sat up, an ache spreading through his body.   
he moaned, clutching his head. _It feels like my head's going to split in two... _he thought.   
Madam Pomfrey! He's awake! Sirius said quite loudly, only adding to Remus' headache.   
Sirius! Sirius will you shut up!? Remus groaned, rocking back and forth, his head in his hands. Madam Pomfrey walked in and handed him two pills. Without a thought he downed them without water. Instantly, his headache subsided and he sighed, falling back against the pillows. Mmm... why am I here again? he asked, looking from Madam Pomfrey to Sirius.   
You fainted dear, and Mister Black over here rushed into my office and made me take you in. I believe it's just exhaustion... from what Mister Black has told me, you haven't been sleeping much the past two weeks, am I right? Remus nodded, remembering all those nights he worked early into the morning. As for everything else, I've already talked that over with Professor Dumbledore and McGonagall, and I took care of those scratches for you. As for your exhaustion, all I can tell you to do is to get some sleep. Now, you've missed a lot of classes, so I suggest you go soon. I believe Mister Black can accompany you. Remus nodded and stood. Sirius offered his hand and Remus took it to help support himself after not walking for three days. He stretched and gave his thanks to Madam Pomfrey. Walking by a window, Remus noticed that it was dark out.   
So... is it morning dark or night dark? he asked, walking next to Sirius.   
Morning dark, he replied quietly. Remus turned to him and smiled.  
Thank you for what you did. But... why were you in the Hospital Wing so early in the morning? he asked, looking at Sirius quizzically. _Could it be... _he thought,_ that he was worried about me? _  
Well... umm... I just wanted to make sure you were all right. I mean... it was kind of getting boring without you around, ya know? Remus blushed and smiled, casting his eyes to the floor.   
_So he does care... _Remus stretched again and yawned, getting over his three-day sleep. Remus felt better than he had since he had gotten here to Hogwarts. So... what is your family like? Didn't you say they're all Slytherins? That must be hard to live with, Remus asked, curious about Sirius' family. Sirius smiled and went on to tell Remus all about his family, and how they pretty much hated him.   
What about your mum? Isn't she Slytherin? She sounded really mad that you were sorted into Gryffindor, Sirius asked after he had finished explaining.  
My mother? Well... to put it mildly, she hates me. She wishes she had never had me. It was my father that wanted children, not my mother. She loves our cat more than she loves me, he explained. Remus sighed and stopped walking, leaning against a wall instead and sliding to sit on the floor. Sirius sat next to him.   
Ouch. What did she mean by you've already brought shame to this family'? Sirius' face was kind and caring, which made it even harder for Remus to lie to him.   
Let's just say... I did some things and some stuff happened in my childhood that made my family look bad. Sirius nodded and agreed.  
I know the feeling. So what did you do to make your mom hate you so much? Remus took a deep breath, thinking quickly.   
Some stuff that I've been forbidden to talk about to others, he said, though that was the truth. Sirius nodded and yawned, standing up. Thanks for talking with me, he said, holding out his hand. Remus took it and stood. Together they walked to the Gryffindor tower.   
  
  
_ I can't wake up  
Wake me up inside  
  
  
_The rest of that day Remus was still hung up about his and Sirius' conversation. Was he doing the right thing about defying his family? Remus wasn't sure what he should do. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't follow what his mother wanted, but he still wanted to be loved. Every little kid always wants to be loved by their parents. _What should I do?_ he thought, sitting through an especially boring History of Magic class. _What can I do to finally make mother accept me? Is there anything I can even do to make her love me again? Maybe there isn't... maybe I'm just destined to never be loved by my mother. Does my father love me? He's never said anything, but maybe I've brought shame to his name too. Will anyone ever love me? _Remus sulked, not seeing any hope over the horizon for him. he heard a faint whisper and looked over at Sirius, who was sitting next to James. He grinned and tossed him a note.   
Remus looked at the folded piece of paper in his hands and smiled, tearing open the note. In Sirius' round, looping handwriting was a note:  
  
_  
_After school James, Peter and I are heading to the lake. Coming? Or do you wanna be your little antisocial self again? Please come, you could use some sunlight. See you there!  
-Sirius  
_   
_  
Remus stared at the note and smiled. He gave a thumb up to Sirius, who he knew was determined not to let him sulk all alone. He smiled again. Remus was so lucky to have friends like him.   
  
  
_ Save me  
Call my name and save me from the dark_  
  
  
Remus! Remus, come on! Sirius shouted, running ahead. The first years had been given the afternoon off that day, and James, Peter, Sirius, and Remus had decided to go to the lake. James and Sirius were racing each other to the large weeping willow by the lake and Peter was jogging best he could behind them. Remus just grinned and picked up his pace, running after them.   
  
  
_ Wake me up  
Bid my blood to run  
  
  
_ Two months passed before Remus had another thought about his family. It was nearing Halloween, and all the teachers were preparing for the celebration in two days. They began to decorate and the Great Hall began to fill up with grinning floating pumpkins and bats. The night before Halloween, some of the first year gryffindors were gathered in the Common Room, talking about what they would be missing tomorrow at home.   
My parents don't really do much for Halloween, commented a red-headed girl. But that might be because they're muggles. Remus sat next to the blazing fireplace, where a fire had been lit. Staring at the fire, he could faintly hear Sirius telling them about the huge parties his parents held.   
But, of course, I was always the outcast. The one that got the most attention was always my little brother. He was always the good one in the family. Remus sighed and stood up. Quietly he went up to the first year boy's room and sat on his bed, falling back on to the pillows. In his mind surfaced memories of the past.   
He could hear his mother's high, fake laughter from his position on the top step. As was every Halloween, his parents were throwing a party for their friends, and had forbidden Remus from showing his face.   
So, you two still haven't had children? That must be so easy for you! one friend commented. Remus knew what they were talking about. Ever since he was six, his parents had stopped telling their friends they had a son. He hugged his knees to his chest and cried silently as he heard the room roar in laughter as a joke was told.   
As Remus returned from his memory, anger boiled up inside him. _Why should I have to form to their society?_ he thought inside his head, grinding his teeth. _They don't care about me... they don't love me and want me around! Screw them! Screw all of them!   
  
I can't wake up  
Before I come undone...  
  
  
_The next morning at breakfast Professor McGonagall came up to him to talk. He then realized that it was the full moon that night. Remus sighed and stood, following McGonagall to Madam Pomfrey's office. Since his first change at school, Madam Pomfrey had been taking him to the Whomping Willow after she found out about his condition. Quietly he followed Madam Pomfrey, his head down. It would be another lonely full moon he was sure.  
Sitting in a corner, his head leaning against a wall, Remus stared. Just stared. His heart hurt too much to think of anything; it would only bring back memories of the past he'd rather wish to forget. By the late afternoon, he could feel his bones start to crack and groan, waiting for the complete change from human to wolf. He had never really realized how lonely the full moon was before.   
I guess when you're alone for so long, you just get used to not having anyone there, he whispered, watching as the last rays of sunlight peeking through the boarded windows faded into darkness. At long last Remus' bones cracked and bent, fur beginning to cover his body as he was shaped slowly into a wolf. His human cries slowly faded away, traded instead for the howls of a wolf. Within minutes, left in Remus' place was a large, grey wolf, teeth bared and snarling. All sanity was left behind as he was left to spend his anger out on the house he was imprisoned in.   
  
_  
Save me  
Save me from the nothing I've become  
  
  
_Remus returned to his life at Hogwarts, trying hard to forget about his family. No matter how hard he tried though, he always kept himself at some sort of a distance with his friends. He watched Sirius joke with James, jealous that the two could be so open with each other. Even Peter was better off than him. Peter was always the outcast in the group, but at least he didn't have problems. One day the longing was especially bad. Again the four of them were sitting under the willow tree, watching as the giant squid in the lake rested it's tentacles in the shallow water, savoring the last days of fall.   
Remus watched in mild amusement as James and Sirius stripped down to their swimming trunks they had worn that day and jumped into the lake. His eyes wandered over Sirius' body and he felt a nagging in the back of his head. He watched as the water dripped off his shaggy black hair, reflecting the last of the sun's fall rays as he tackled James into the squid. Picking the two up in one tentacle, the squid set them back down on the grass. The two began laughing and flopped on the grass. A twinge chorused through Remus' heart and he stood, eager to escape the happiness of the two.   
Christmas came and brought with it snow and memories. Remus sat in the Gryffindor Common Room, looking out the window on Christmas eve and watched as the snow fell outside. Emptiness had now become a common feeling within his chest the past month, and he couldn't help but think about home. Christmas was like Halloween at his house: his parents held a party, and he stayed up in his room. His parents didn't see the use in giving gifts, so he never received gifts on Christmas morning. That year for Christmas, however, he had bought presents as he knew was appropriate to Christmas. For James, he had bought a Quidditch game book, Techniques of great Quidditch players of the past. They all knew that James was desperate to be on the Gryffindor house team as the seeker. It was all he could talk about, and it was only Christmas. For Peter he bought a cactus. Peter had been obsessing over how little muggle plant life was inside Hogwarts, so he journeyed out and found him a cactus. And then, last but certainly not least in Remus' book, he gave Sirius a statue. It was of a large, black dog and it moved, as he had charmed it to be lifelike, but silent.   
On Christmas Eve, Remus and Sirius were the only ones left in their room. Peter and James had both gone back home to visit their parents. They, at least, had decent parents. Remus and Sirius, however, did not. Christmas Eve went and Christmas day had soon arrived. Remus could hear Sirius shuffling around beside him and smiled. Never had he felt so warm on a cold Christmas day. Slowly sitting up in bed, his eyes glanced around the room, his lips turned up in a smile. Upon the end of his bed sat three gifts, all wrapped in decorated paper and sealed with ribbon. His lips turned up even more as his heart was filled again with happiness. His friends had given him the first presents of his life since he was six. Sirius stepped out from the bathroom, a towel on his head.   
What are you grinning for you maniac? They're only presents... he pointed out as his hand began running the towel over his black hair, drying it. Remus only smiled to himself and pulled back the covers, stepping out of bed. His feet touched the cold wooden floor and he stood, stretching. His worn night shirt rode up, the morning air hitting his pale skin. Lowering his arms, he sat back on the bed, flopping back, and looked at Sirius upside-down. Sirius only blinked at him and laughed. To Remus, Sirius' laugh was better than any present. He smiled again and sat, picking up the top gift on his bed; a silver wrapped square box. Carefully peeling back the paper-thin silver paper, Remus smiled and opened the box, knowing it was from Peter. Inside was a gold cloak broach. Embedded in it was the Gryffindor seal. He smiled and put it on his bedside table, reminding himself to use it. Next he reached for the second package; a heavy rectangular box wrapped in black paper, golden snitches flying all over it: James'. Inside was a studying set of quills, new parchment, fancy ink, and a small homework planner.   
_Silly James... knowing I love my homework_, he thought. Finally, he reached for the last present; a two inch high rectangular box wrapped in red paper with black dogs all over it. Sirius. Eagerly, Remus pulled away the paper, being careful not to rip it so that he could save it. He lifted the top of the box carefully and smiled. Sirius had gotten Remus... pajamas. They consisted of pants and a long sleeved shirt. Dark blue fuzzy cotton was covered in moons and stars. Remus couldn't help but smile as he glanced up at Sirius, who had come to stand next to him, a toothbrush hanging unceremoniously out of his mouth. He grinned, taking the toothbrush out and swallowing.   
Well? Do you like them? Remus nodded and Sirius grinned. Thought so. You shouldn't have to wear a robe around here over your PJs... so I decided you needed some new ones. Remus turned back to the pajamas and folded them into the chest at the foot of his bed. Again he stretched. Though the year had been troubled, he was looking forward to the rest of the year, and dreading the moment he had to lay eyes upon his parents once more.   
The remainder of the year passed quickly, and soon it was the last night, the ending ceremony being held in the Great Hall. Once bags had been packed and the night done, morning came and they loaded onto the train for home. Silently Remus sat in a compartment, staring out the window. This time, unlike the ride to Hogwarts, he wasn't alone. James, Sirius, and Peter also accompanied him. The ride was silent for Remus, knowing in his heart what he would face when he left the train, refusing to think of it in his mind. The train slowed to a creak as it reached the station, everything Remus had refused to think of running through his mind like lightning bolts, hitting every nerve in his body with a shock.   
  
_  
Now that I know what I'm without,  
you can't just leave me  
  
  
_Trembling, pale hands reached for a suitcase in a large overhead, an owl squawking slightly in the background. Remus heard everything at a muted volume, his body going numb. Peering out the window, his heart sunk as he saw the scowling face of his mother, who was standing next to his father, a sour expression plastered upon his lips. Taking a deep breath, he began to set foot off the train to meet his end. Halting abruptly, a hand fell upon his shoulder, stopping him. A warm breath tickles his neck as Sirius bent over and whispered in his ear.  
Good luck, friend. I know you'll need it, he said, winking. Then Remus could feel the heavy hand of his friend on his back, gently pushing him towards his family. Dreading the loss of his friends, he stepped forward, head down, and slowly walked toward his parents.   
  
  
_ Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life  
  
  
Sirius... what are you doing now? Are you happy where you are? Are you having a good time? Or are you thinking, just as I am, of what life would be like without having to go home? _he thought, sitting in the tree in front of his house, watching as the rain drops fell around him, making his hair wet and soggy with water. Remus shivered as his clothes were slowly soaked through, the chill water reaching his skin and freezing his insides. He had been at home for two weeks at that point, and had not spoken with neither his mother nor father since he had arrived. It was like he wasn't even there. They passed in the halls, and Remus would skirt to the wall, knowing not to touch them unless they cracked and yelled at him. Loneliness was seeping into him like the cold rain, his heart wanting to be loved again. In the night, his thoughts continuously returned to his friend, Sirius.   
Every time he imagined Sirius' face and wore the pajamas he had given him, his heart ached ever-so-slightly. One lonely night, Remus sat and cried, his heart hurt so badly. His mind knew he shouldn't cry, but his heart just hurt so badly that he couldn't hold back the tears, no matter how hard he tried. Sitting upon the tree branch, Remus' eyes wandered upward, where the thick branches and spread leaves where catching most of the rain. Remus' pale hand reached above him, catching a falling raindrop in his palm. Bringing his hand to eye level, he watched sadly as the single drop slid off his hand, adding yet another drop of rain to his water soaked pants. Resting his head against the trunk of the tree, Remus didn't argue as he succumbed to the tears and thoughts of Sirius.  
  
  
_ Bring me to life  
I've been living a lie  
  
Everything I've known... what is it? My parents hate me, my family is no longer there... Where am I supposed to go to? I have friends, but only at Hogwarts. Two more months... only two more months until I can return there and see him... Sirius... _Night after night Remus thought this over in his head, counting the days and hours until he could return to his true home, Hogwarts, where there were people who cared for him. His mind was still recovering from the shock and betrayal of his parents, but he knew it would be better once he reached Hogwarts, once he saw Sirius again. _Have I been lying to myself this entire time? Sirius... can't you tell me what to believe in?   
  
  
There's nothing inside  
Bring me to life  
  
  
_One night at dinner, Remus sat, staring at his plate. His insides were numb, all hunger he might have once felt permanently gone. Tuning out his parent's conversation, he ate slowly, picking at his food slowly, then placing it in his mouth and chewing softly. As he was chewing a mouthful of mashed potatoes, he heard a glass shatter and looked up for the first time that meal, facing his parents. Both of them were standing, glaring at each other. In his mind, Remus recoiled, knowing they had gotten into an argument. Next to his father he could see a broken glass, it's shattered remains on the floor. He didn't dare move, lest they see him and turn their anger upon to him. Turning their backs on one another, his parents left the room, leaving an eery quiet in their wake. Lowering his head once more, Remus returned to his meal in silence, as it always was.   
  
_  
Frozen inside without your touch,  
without your love, darling  
  
  
_Remus' night were filled with uneasy dreams and nightmares, but that night was different. His dreams that night were filled with Sirius, and only him. Standing in a dark room, Remus felt Sirius' arms around his waist, hugging him close. His hot kisses trailed down his neck, Remus' breath growing quicker with each kiss Sirius placed. Sirius' hands slowly unbuttoned his shirt, his warm hands trailing over his cold, pale skin. Remus' heart burst with emotion, such a welcomed change from his cold demeanor at home. He felt his shirt slip off his shoulders, soon replaced with Sirius lips over his skin. Traveling up his neck, they at last caught his lips, Remus leaning back upon Sirius' strong body.  
  
Remus woke with a start, his pajama shirt soaked in sweat, his brow furrowed. Struggling under his covers, he wrestled off his shirt, the heat too unbearable. Pulling away the covers, he allowed his skin to breath. The cold night air hit his chest and reminded him of the feeling in his chest as Sirius touched him. _W-what is this I'm feeling?_ he thought, clutching his fist to his heart, which was beating rapidly, still recovering from his dream. _What... what is Sirius to me? What do I want Sirius to do to me? What do I want Sirius to feel for me? _Remus' head began to hurt and he sighed, lying back on his pillows. His chest rose and fell, soon taking on a slow rhythm as he fell asleep, wondering if his friend was really just a friend after all.   
  
  
_ Only you are the life among the dead  
  
  
_Remus sat alone at the table, eating dinner once more and thinking. No longer did he feel numb, sitting at the dinner table. His heart was lifted each time he thought of Sirius, making scenarios in his head. Instead of sitting there with his parents, he would be sitting there with Sirius, eating the meal that he cooked, talking about things in the world that had been happening, and about each other's lives. Remus' heart filled with happiness each time he imagined that instead of realizing where he was. Only Sirius occupied his mind as he went through his mindless days, with nothing to do but fantasize.  
  
  
_ All of this sight   
I can't believe I couldn't see  
  
  
_Remus sighed happily as he stood at gazed at the Hogwarts train. Finally, after months of waiting, he would be going back to his home, to where he belonged. Eagerly he looked for Sirius, craning his neck to see if he could spot him among the crowd. After looking for a couple of minutes, he watched his parents leave, not even saying goodbye. His spirits only slightly dampened, he boarded the train, looking for Sirius. Walking through compartment after compartment of students, he finally found Sirius. Unfortunately, he was talking to multiple girls. Upon setting eyes on Sirius, Remus' eyes grew large and his mouth opened slightly. Sirius had grown over the summer, his hair a bit longer now, and his features more defined... he was even more handsome then Remus remembered him.   
Putting two and two together, Remus realized that the girls must have noticed this change in him also. Seeing him smile at all those girls, Remus' heart tore in two. He wanted Sirius to smile like that. He wanted Sirius to like him just as he liked those girls. He didn't want to believe it, but he had to realize it someday. He had to realize that Sirius would never feel for him that warm feeling in his chest. That feeling that Remus got only thinking of Sirius. Disheartened, he turned away, finding an empty compartment to spend his second ride to Hogwarts just as he had the first; alone.   
  
  
_ Kept in the dark,   
but you were there in front of me  
  
  
  
_For the first time in a long while, Remus was actually glad he would be away on the full moon. That first night at Hogwarts had fallen upon a full moon, which meant that Remus would be whisked away the moment he arrived and taken to the Whomping Willow by Madam Pomfrey. Sitting in the Shrieking Shack, he thought about Sirius, the image of those laughing girls burned into his mind.   
How could I have been so stupid? he whispered, staring at the ceiling. How could I have not realized sooner that Sirius would like girls? I knew he was handsome, but it never hit me... of course the girls will like him! He banged his fist against the dusted ground, watching as the dust flew up and settled again. Why couldn't... why couldn't he like me instead of them? he whispered, the tears falling. Why... can't I understand?  
  
  
_  
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems  
I've got to open my eyes to everything  
  
  
_Remus returned to the Gryffindor common room after his lonely night, heartbroken and humbled. As he walked in the door, he could feel Sirius' eyes from the squishy chair by the fire, where he was talking to James and two other girls. One was the Red headed, green-eyes girl they had seen their first night at Hogwarts on the boat, the other a pretty blonde with big brown eyes. Remus tilted his head toward the floor and quickly shuffled up to his bed. Minutes later, he heard footsteps walking up the stairs, into the room, and stopping by his bed. He saw a tall shadow whose shaggy hair betrayed their identity.   
Sirius... what do you want? Remus whispered loudly, turning his head away from the shadow outside his curtain-enclosed bed. A sigh escaped the other boy's lips, and his hand curled around the drapery, sliding it open as he sat on the bed next to Remus.   
I wanted to know where you were. You weren't with us at dinner, and you weren't there on the train ride here. What's up? Remus' eyes shut as furry enveloped him, his fists clenching tightly.   
I wasn't wanted on the train, and I had something to do last night. It's none of your business, so why don't you go back down to James and those pretty girls you seem so interested in? Hmmm? Remus spat. The angered boy could easily tell he had practically slapped his friend in the face, and he was proud of it. Proud that he had cause him pain, like he had had to suffer.  
Did something happen over the summer? How was your family? Sirius attempted once more to start small talk with his friend. His hand wandered to Remus' shoulder, where it was thrown off instantly. Remus, what's wrong?   
Remus' shoulders curled slightly, and his head lowered. Please, leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you. His voice was low and barely audible, but still help an icy shock. Sirius, who was obviously taken back, nodded, stood, and left the room, leaving Remus to quietly seeth inside.   
  
_Without a thought  
Without a voice  
Without a soul  
  
_The next weeks were pure agony. Remus couldn't talk to anyone. He watched in betrayal as Sirius and James both picked up girlfriends. He couldn't take it any more. Finally, a month passed since the first day at Hogwarts, and we went back to the Shrieking Shack to pent his anger. Sitting on the floor of shattered ceramic and glass, his hands clutching his arms, he rocked. Tears seeped through his closely-knit lids, and he banged his head repeatedly on the wall. How could I be so stupid?! he screamed in disgust at himself. You idiot, he choked between sobs. Why... Sirius... why? I'm such a fuck up. Help me. Someone, please, help me before I'm gone. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back! His screams were drowned in the howls that awakened, and his new body ravaged the house and itself, tearing both wood and flesh to threads. _   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Don't let me die here  
There must be something wrong.  
Bring me to life._  
  
He refused to let them help. He refused all medical aid, even though his flesh was torn. Remus returned beaten, and remained beaten. Instead, he let them wrap his wounds, which ran all over his body, from large gashes on his back to small cuts on his fingers and toes. His face was pretty well cut up too, but he didn't mind. If Sirius didn't love him when he was fine, he certainly wouldn't love him now. It didn't matter anymore what he looked like.   
Walking caused pain for Remus. Pain he felt he deserved. Through the halls he felt the stares, and the quiet whispers and rumors that he had been attacked by a werewolf almost frightened him. Almost. His caring was low, and he walked without confidence anywise. And the rumors were true anywise. He was attacked by a werewolf. Himself. Everything he wanted to escape when he was at home, he wanted to escape here. Nothing was sacred, and everything was going wrong.   
  
  
  
_Bring me to life.  
I've been living a lie  
There's nothing inside._  
  
Another month of solitude and regret gone, and another month of pain returned. Remus sat once more in the Shrieking Shack, a shard of glass cutting into his hand as his grip fell upon it. Shaking wearily, his hand slashes slowly across his thigh, a thin line of red following it's path. Cut after cut, he scarred his body.   
No one cares for me anyway... why not make me beautiful? he whispered to himself. Once again, he fell into a waking sleep, his blood pooling quietly around him.   
  
  
  
_Bring me to life  
  
  
_Remus! Remus please wake up! Sirius' voice seeped through his ears, melting upon his brain like honey. His eyes slit open to a familiar sight: the Hospital wing.   
Oh, god, Remus. What did you do?! he heard Peter squeak. Sirius snapped at him to shut up, and James attempted to calm the boy down.   
Sirius... it's all right. He's awake now. Remus silently thanked James, and smiled as Sirius' hand came to rest on his forehead. His eyes slid shut once again, the warmth of Sirius' hand lulling him into a fit-less slumber. 


End file.
